


Break Me

by Torutaka10969



Series: Bedroom Warfare [4]
Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Pregnancy, Sex, Smut, broken!taka, referenced cheating, toru trying to make him feel better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27578795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torutaka10969/pseuds/Torutaka10969
Summary: Toru is doing his best to get Taka to move on from Ryota. However, Toru might be accidentally catching feelings for the broken vocalist.
Relationships: Kohama Ryouta/Morita Takahiro, Morita Takahiro/Yamashita Toru
Series: Bedroom Warfare [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908892
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Break Me

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this is a follow up to my other work, The Last Time. That is necessary to read before this one.  
> Chronologically, this takes place between the time jump in The Last Time, and before No Goodbyes.  
> The song title is by McFly as per usual, go listen to it it's a nice song and hurts like hopefully this fic does.

Taka couldn't stop crying.

No matter what Toru did, the man laying underneath of him was inconsolable. Cursing himself, blaming the alcohol, Toru knew Taka wasn't ready for this. Wasn't ready to hear about the pregnancy, wasn't ready for the wedding, and certainly wasn't ready to move on. Even as a one night stand.

Toru tried wiping away the tears - useless.

Tried to kiss away the tears - caused him to cry harder.

Toru had only thought of Taka naked, underneath him and sweaty a handful of times. Probably more times than were acceptable for Taka being his best friend and bandmate, but Toru would be lying if he said the thought had never crossed his mind.

Never in Toru's wildest imaginations did he think it would ever happen. And if it did, it definitely didn't end like this.

Deciding to give up, Toru laid down beside Taka. Still naked himself, he rolled Taka onto his chest, held onto his waist with one arm and stroked his hair with his other. Gently, he cooed in Taka's ear that it would all be ok, that Taka would be ok.

Toru felt the heavy sobs of his best friend slowly quiet. Eventually, the crying turned to soft snoring and Toru knew he had fallen asleep. Sighing to himself, Toru tried to remember how he had ended up here.

* * *

_"Am I making a mistake?" Ryota asked nervously._

_His best man sighed, staring at the ceiling. Of course this was a mistake. Marrying a woman he had only been dating a few months. Simply shrugging, Toru didn't bother answering that question. He patted his best friend on the shoulder, "as long as you know what you're getting into. Forever is a long time"_

_"So is 18 years" Ryota mumbled, mostly to himself. Although the look on his best friend's face indicated that he had heard it._

_"18 years?" Toru repeated. The gears in his brain were turning, trying to figure out the meaning. All he could think about was the length of Ryota and Taka's relationship - which was strictly less than 18 years - everything else came up blank._

_"She's pregnant" Ryota answered for Toru, realising his friend wasn't coming to the conclusion himself. Watching as the older man sat down on a chair, playing with the glass of wine which was at the table._

_"You just can't keep it in your pants can you?" Toru remarked, crossing his arms as he looked up at Ryota. This was going to break Taka. Already beginning to worry about how Taka would find out, how he was going to have to console the man crying for yet another night._

_"Why do I feel like that's not a comment on the pregnancy?" Ryota groaned, realising that Toru had to have known what was going on between him and Taka._

_"Congrats. It's not" Toru deadpanned, glaring at Ryota. "Did you even_ think _of Taka in all this? Have you_ ever _thought of how he would feel?"_

_"Of course I thought of Mori-chan" Ryota yelled back. "I haven't thought of anything_ but _mori-chan. I love him. I'm so in love with him it fucking hurts"_

_"You don't love him" Toru rolled his eyes. "If you loved him you would already know this is a mistake"_

_"It's not that simple, Toru-nii" Ryota looked at Toru. "I'll_ always _love mori-chan"_

_And with that, a knock on the door. Looking over, Tomoya and Taka were both standing behind the door, waiting for the best man and the groom to go to the chapel._

* * *

Toru went outside immediately after soundcheck, desperate for a cigarette. Arriving at the smoking area designated for the band, he found Taka had somehow beat him there. Sitting beside the smaller man, he pulled out a pack and began smoking.

Taka rested his head on his knee, the smell of smoke lingering in the air reminded him of the one man he was trying desperately to forget. A strong arm wrapped around him, pulled him towards his chest. Closing his eyes, Taka tried to imagine it as someone else. Even if he knew it was Toru, he had a hard time trying to distract himself from the memories playing in his head.

Memories from the night that changed things forever.

* * *

_"We're pregnant!" The bride and groom announced, full of joy after the ceremony before the reception._

_Taka felt the world pause. Everyone around them was congratulating the happy couple. He probably did the same, an automatic reaction he couldn't quite remember doing. Looking around, he found the face in the crowd he was looking for. Heavily lidded eyes that were searching back for him, grabbed his arm and discretely pulled him away from the crowd._

_Unsure where he was, Taka immediately slid to the ground. All he knew was that he couldn't be around other people. He barely even wanted to be around Toru as he bawled his eyes out hysterically. The guitarist handed him a handkerchief, and Taka cried harder. Feeling the thud of someone sitting beside him, Taka looked beside him. Toru was there, wrapping him in a warm hug and stroking his hair._

_"You're gonna be ok" Toru repeated, over and over again as Taka cried in his arms. It hurt so much, watching as his best friend fell apart and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All he could do was hold Taka closely and gently sway him back and forth._

_Taka breathed in the scent of Toru's cologne, it was comforting. Like an old friend, ready to pick you up whenever you fell over. Sighing deeply, breathing in his scent, he picked up his head and looked at Toru "I can't do this anymore"_

_"What do you wanna do?" Toru asked, making eye contact with the older man. His eyes were bloodshot, hair a mess as he shrugged. "Wanna go, have a few drinks, then head back to the hotel?"_

_"Yea, that sounds good" Taka tried his best to smile. Toru got up first, reaching his hand out. Accepting the hand, Taka followed him to the bathroom to try and calm himself down a bit._

_Walking back into the ceremony, Taka made a beeline for the open bar along with Toru. His head was swirling with images of Ryota and he just wanted to make them stop. Numb the pain, even if just temporarily._

_Toru noticed as Taka started stumbling. He wasn't keeping track of how many drinks the other man had had. Hell, he couldn't even remember which glass he was on himself. The room started spinning, or was that Taka dragging him to dance? Were they dancing? Taka had his arms wrapped around his neck, reaching desperately on his tippy toes. He knew that much. Looking around the room, he made eye contact with Ryota. Ryota was with Tomoya, good._

_Toru started stumbling himself, making his way towards the groom. Taka in tow, Toru finally reached Ryota and Tomoya. Had Taka been holding onto his neck the entire time? Toru couldn't remember. Before Toru could even make a dumb excuse to leave early, Taka began a drunk ramble._

_"I looooveeee yoooou" Taka slurred out to no one in particular._

_"I love you too, buddy" Ryota grimaced, putting an arm around Taka. His heart hurt, knowing how Taka meant it as more than just a sappy drunk. Patting Taka's shoulder, he looked down at him. Completely gone, he couldn't tell if he was red from crying or from alcohol. "How about you go upstairs with Toru-nii?"_

_"But I wanna go upstairs with-" Taka slurred out before being interrupted by a similarly drunk Toru._

_"No Taka, bad idea. Let's gooo" Toru mumbled out._

_"Why don't you make sure our drunks get to the right room?" Ryota suggested slyly to Tomoya, who nodded and agreed._

* * *

Nuzzling his face into Toru's neck, they still hadn't discussed what had happened between them that night. Not that he had ever had any sort of conversations like that with Ryota. They simply constantly went at it like rabbits in heat without any regards for consequences.

Staring straight into the distance, Taka wondered what would happen with Toru. Would they last for one night? 10 years? Would Toru also leave him for someone else? That thought stung in a way Taka couldn't quite understand.

The smell of Toru's smoke filled the air with each drag. The smell less minty, but still hurt Taka. Wondering what kind of cigarettes Ryota used exactly, he got up to go investigate. Leaving Toru alone to finish his cigarette, Taka walked into the band room. Trying to get the images of Ryota out of his hand as he sorted through the pile of jackets and bags left thrown around the table.

Finally, he came across it. A fresh, unopened pack of cigarettes from one of Ryota's bags. Craving the scent of his cigarettes in his face, the taste on his tongue, tears ran down Taka's face. Emotions he couldn't handle, memories he desperately needed to forget, came rushing in all at once as soon as he opened the box. The light scent of tobacco, of Ryota, filled Taka's nostrils as flashbacks happened all at once.

* * *

_The sound of his own laugh filled the air. Ryota was blowing smoke on his face. Taka pretended he hated it - saying that just a whiff if smoke would ruin his voice forever. But he loved it, Ryota knew he loved it._

_Being rolled over, pinned on his back, Taka smiled up at the man on top of him. Watching as Ryota placed the burnt out cigarette on the ashtray, then immediately leaned over to kiss him deeply. The taste of smoke on his tongue was something Taka took a while to get used to. But after so many years, Taka had grown to enjoy it. Craved it even when Ryota wasn't around._

* * *

Toru entered the room, found Taka holding a box of Ryota's cigarettes. It hurt him, knowing Taka would never get over Ryota. That no matter what he did, how he tried to comfort the other man, Taka would choose Ryota. Every time. Walking up behind him, he sat on the table next to him. "Stealing is wrong"

"I know" Taka sighed, placing the box in his own pocket.

Toru shook his head, casting shame at Taka with every glance. But still, he reached his arms out to embrace the other in a hug. Taka gave in, burying his nose into Toru's shoulder. Toru held Taka, letting the sound of silence take over the room. It was comfortable, the feeling of holding Taka between his arms. Like all was right in the world, even for a minute. "I'll buy him a new pack, just this once"

"Thanks" Taka smiled, looking up at Toru. The eye contact was intense as their faces were close together. For a brief second, he almost thought Toru was about to kiss him. As much as he enjoyed the other night, he wasn't sure he was ready for that kind of intimacy again just yet. "He might be back soon"

Toru sighed, giving Taka a final squeeze before leaving the room to go find the vending machine.

Taka stared at Toru leaving the room. Feeling a pit in his stomach, wondering if Toru was actually going to kiss him. Turning his attention away from Toru, he felt tears beginning to fall as he sat on the couch. Alone, not even Toru there to comfort him. Groaning to himself as he curled up, he watched Ryota walk into the room. Wiping the tears from his eyes, they made brief eye contact before Ryota began going through the mess he had left on the table.

Ryota looked over at Taka, his face stained with tears. Feeling his heart clench, he bit down on his lip. Feet itching to go over to Taka and comfort him, but he knew it was a bad idea. Taka was crying and upset over him, of course he was. It just stung to see the man he loved in a state like this. Continuing on with his search, he broke the silence in the room. "Have you seen a pack of cigarettes?"

"No" Taka lied, feeling the missing pack in his own pocket.

Toru entered the room again, able to feel the tension between the vocalist and the bassist. Walking over towards the bassist going through all his pockets, he discreetly placed the brand new pack under the pile Taka had inadvertently created. "What are you looking for?"

"Could have sworn I had a new pack of cigarettes in my pocket" Ryota mumbled, continuing to search for the new pack in all his pockets.

"Maybe you left it in your bag" Toru suggested with a shrug. "Or it fell out when _someone_ tried to find his own jacket"

"Oh, there they are. Must have fallen out" Ryota shrugged, grabbing the case and heading outside to smoke.

"Thank you" Taka mumbled as soon as Ryota was out of the room and out of earshot.

Toru sat down on the couch in front of Taka. Looking at the other man's eyes was like a punch to the stomach, knowing how much pain his best friend was in. Gently, he reached out to Taka, held his face in his hands. Using his thumbs, he gently brushed the tears off of the other's cheeks. "You're gonna get over this…"

"Am I?" Taka asked quietly, looking deep into Toru's eyes.

"Yes, I'll make sure of it" Toru gave Taka a hopeful smile, then gently brought their faces together for a soft kiss. Taka appeared to reciprocate, kissing back and slowly adjusted himself to be sitting on Toru's lap. A moan escaped his own lips as Taka's groin made contact with his own, bringing him back to reality. Anyone could walk in at anytime. "Wait, Taka, they're gonna be back any second"

Taka pulled his lips off of Toru, tears already falling harder than they did before. Pushing himself off the other man, he sobbed on the couch. "I…. Thought you…. Wanted me…"

Toru sighed, reverting to his initial position in front of Taka. He tried to hug the other man, only to be pushed away. "Taka…."

"What do you want?" Taka yelled before breaking out into another fit of sobs.

"I want you. Just…. Ryota or Tomoya could walk in. Any second…" Toru started, opting to rest his head on Taka's knees. Closing his eyes, he felt tears falling down his own cheeks. He shouldn't have pushed Taka, and now Taka was crying even harder. And it was all his fault this time. "I'm sorry"

Taka glared at Toru briefly. His thoughts were cloudy, it wasn't Toru he was mad at. He wasn't mad at anyone, just lashing out and Toru was the nearest person to take it out on. "I'm not ready for that yet"

"But you're ready for sex?" Toru answered rhetorically out of frustration. The look in Taka's eyes indicated he had overstepped, and he immediately apologised. "Sorry, ignore that. I won't push you"

Taka nodded, staring in the distance before pulling Toru in for a hug. Resting his head on Toru's shoulder, he breathed in Toru's scent deeply. Letting go of all his tears, he sobbed again. Holding onto Toru so tightly he briefly worried about cutting off circulation, but he was unable to hold it in. He missed Ryota, and there was nothing anyone could do to make him feel better. The best he had was Toru's shoulder.

* * *

Taka put his suitcase on the bed closest to him out of habit. Tears fell down his face when he realised his mistake. Wiping them away, he then placed the suitcase on the ground. Getting into the bed, he sobbed. Uncontrollably, not sure he could handle this for the rest of his life. Ryota never coming back to him, ever.

Toru stared at ghe man crying, and sat down on the bed, patting his back. He watched as Taka turned to face him, eyes red and puffy. His heart broke. Who knew someone could be so upset over where to place their suitcase. Wrapping his arms around Taka, stroking his hair, anything to make his friend feel better. "It's ok…. You don't have to sleep alone…"

"We always…" Taka choked out, sobbing hysterically as he stared at the suitcase on the floor. "Had a bed for suitcases…. And one…. For us…"

Toru nodded, pulling Taka up and out of the bed by his hands. When Taka was standing up, he placed his own suitcase on the bed, then added Taka's suitcase as well. "C'mere"

Taka laughed as Toru hugged him, pulling him to be on the other bed. Resting between their entangled limbs, Taka curled into Toru as they enjoyed the closeness. Making eye contact, Taka rested their foreheads together before reaching up and kissing Toru.

Toru was taken aback by the sudden affection from Taka. Wrapping his arms around the smaller man's waist, melting in the affectionate kiss. Knowing Taka only wanted sex, nothing more and nothing less. Feeling his own crotch harden as Taka wrapped his legs around his hips, Toru pushed the other man onto his back. Caging him between his arms, biting down his neck before forcing his shirt off.

Taka moaned at the rough treatment of his body. Toru could be as rough as he wanted, Taka welcomed it with a shiver. Cold air against his abdomen a pleasant contrast to the hot kisses Toru was planting down to his jeans. Closing his eyes, Taka let out a long groan as he felt warmth around his cock.

The tongue lapping against the head of his dick awakened his every sense. It wasn't Ryota's head bobbing up and down the length, but Taka closed his eyes and imagined it was. Biting his lip, Taka writhed under Toru's body. Pinching his own nipple, thrusting his hips further into the back of Toru's mouth. He was so close to the edge, but desperately trying to hold himself in.

As soon as Toru removed his mouth, he immediately spread Taka's legs and pushed himself in. A low groan erupted from Taka who immediately clinged onto his shoulders. Pushing in further with each thrust, Taka chanted his name with each push. Fingernails harshly dug into his back and Toru loved it.

Taka let out a surprise yelp when Toru took his nipple between his fingers. The unexpected pleasure forced his head back into the pillow. Thoughts of Ryota ran through his head, about how Ryota would always love to play with his nipples. Reaching up to grab Toru's nipple, his chest was significantly more firm than Ryota's. A groan escaped Toru's mouth, much deeper than Ryota's.

Taka felt awful. Toru was great in bed, he was lucky he got to experience this, but he felt awful that all he could think about was Ryota. Even when he grabbed fistfuls of Toru's red hair, all he could think about was how short it was compared to Ryota's. Every time Toru touched him, teased him, played with him, all he could think about was Ryota.

Pulling Toru in for another sloppy kiss, Taka whimpered as the unmistakable feeling took over him. Breathing heavily between kisses, Toru sped up his pace and Taka let go. Waves of pleasure washed over him as Toru finished as well, collapsing onto the pillow behind him. As they both caught up to their breathing, Toru hovered over him. Looking him deeply in the eyes as he tucked his hair back.

Taka couldn't stand it. The closeness, how loving and caring Toru was. Tears fell down, unsure if he missed Ryota or just felt bad. He heard Toru sigh before pulling him onto his chest for sleep, again. The feeling of guilt was too much. Toru was probably fed up with him, even as he stroked his back and cooed in his ears. Closing his eyes, trying to focus on the moment and not Ryota, Taka finally managed to calm himself down. Just enough to fall asleep, blissfully curled up between Toru's arms.

* * *

Taka sat on Toru's couch. Grateful that they coincidentally had apartments in the same building, since Taka didn't want to leave. He just couldn't bring himself to be spending time alone. He needed someone with him, craved the comfort Toru provided him.

Browsing his phone, Taka came across a picture Ryota had posted. It was a nice selfie, him and his new wife. Staring at the picture, he noticed Ryota had cut his hair. Sighing to himself, he almost went to like the photo and then stopped himself. Going to Ryota's profile, he noticed a few other new photos of Ryota since they've been off the tour.

Toru stared over Taka's shoulder and groaned when he realised what Taka was doing. Grabbing the phone right out of Taka's hand, he placed it face down on the table in front of him. "Stop lurking your ex on instagram, all you're gonna do is hurt yourself"

Taka zoned out for a second, letting Toru's words play again in his head. The way he so casually referred to Ryota as his ex, his ex-what? They weren't boyfriends, his ex-fuck buddy? That stung Taka, reducing their 9 year relationship down to nothing more than just friends having sex. They loved each other, they were exclusive for almost 9 years. Boiling it down to just a bit of fun hit Taka like a tonne of bricks. "He's not my ex"

Toru sighed, pulling Taka closer to him. Stroking his hair gently, letting Taka rest on his chest. "Your relationship with him is over, Taka. He's your ex"

"But we weren't dating" Taka pointed out.

"Taka. You slept with him exclusively for 9 years. You both cared about each other, loved each other" the words stung on Toru's mouth, "you were basically boyfriends without a label"

Taka closed his eyes, the sound of Toru's heart beating in his ear the only sound in the room. Images of him and Ryota together swirled in his head, a montage of memories he couldn't stop from playing. All those stolen glances and smiles they used to share, nights spent cuddling and talking about nothing and everything. Their complex relationship _was_ more than sex, even if that was the only time they truly expressed themselves to the other.

Toru sighed, letting Taka think it over. Brushing through his hair, he stared at the tv screen. He hated seeing his best friend this upset, all he wanted to do was hug him and hold him until he felt better. Until Taka could barely even remember what had happened between him and Ryota. As he held the man in his arms, he realised Taka seemed deflated. He wasn't crying - for once - but he seemed to lack any energy or enjoyment for life.

Taka stared blankly at the table beside him. Resting himself in between Toru's arms, he felt horrible about the situation. Toru had been so kind and understanding to him, and all he had done was use Toru to fill the void left by Ryota. Even during sex, all the could think about Ryota. The very first time they had sex, he even tried to convince himself he was having sex with Ryota.

* * *

_The night was blurry. Whether it was the alcohol or the tears, Taka wasn't entirely sure. He could barely remember how they got upstairs or where they were. Toru was in front of him, he knew that much. The only clear image in his head was the sight of Ryota vowing to spend the rest of his life with someone else. It physically hurt, the images of the happy couple._

_Stumbling towards the bed to cry, Taka accidentally walked into Toru, inadvertently pushing him onto the bed. Laughter filled Taka's ears as they both realised they were too drunk to be standing up properly. Trying to adjust himself to be not straddling Toru, Taka fell again as he steadied himself on the soft bed. Laying on his back, he closed his eyes briefly. Opening them back up, he saw Toru overtop of him._

_Not bothering to think - maybe he was drunk enough to think he was Ryota - Taka reached up and pulled the other down to him. Their lips crashing together, melting into a drunken kiss. The other's breath tasted enough like cigarettes that Taka could at least pretend it was Ryota._

_All Taka could think about was how much he missed Ryota. He knew it was wrong but truthfully he didn't care. Pulling off Toru's tie, beginning to unbutton his shirt. In his mind he was removing the suit Ryota had been wearing earlier today at the ceremony. Pushing off the shirt in its entirety, they made eye contact._

_On top of him wasn't Ryota. A pit in his stomach formed when Taka realised what he was doing. Using Toru to fill the void. He felt awful about it, but then Toru leaned down for another rough kiss, and Taka closed his eyes to enjoy it._

_Being pushed further into the bed, his pants discarded on the floor. He stared up at the guitarist. His heavy eyebags a stark contrast to Ryota's smooth features. The short red hair didn't brush against his cheeks the same way Ryota's long blonde hair did. There was no beard or mustache brushing against his chin and lips._

_Before Taka knew it, they were both naked, Toru staring down at him like a piece of meat. Biting onto his neck, Taka heard a deep voice murmur in his ear._

_"What do you like?"_

_"Fuck me hard" Taka moaned back as Toru bit deeper into his neck, spreading his legs._

_Biting his lips as Toru pushed into him, Taka gripped his fingers into the guitarist's back. Closing his eyes, Taka did his best to pretend it was Ryota with him. Pretended it was Ryota thrusting into him desperately. That it was Ryota who was biting his neck, the heavy breathing right into his ear._

_Electricity ran through his veins, just as when Ryota fucked him. The jolt of pleasure whenever his prostate was hit was the same as when Ryota would hit it. The swirling in his underbelly the same as when Ryota made him reach his peak. But Taka looked up, Toru was in bliss. It wasn't Ryota's sweat dripping onto his chest. Wasn't Ryota's name being called out automatically from Taka's mouth. When he reached his peak, coming crashing down back to earth, he wasn't calling for Ryota._

_When it was all over, he looked up. Toru was smiling down at him sweetly, and kissed his forehead. It was all too much. How well Toru took care of him while he was thinking of Ryota. He knew he was an awful person for this, he just missed Ryota so much. Beginning to sob as Toru pulled out of him, Taka felt empty. Unable to stop the tears from falling down, he full out sobbed. He wasn't ready, he should have known._

_A force pulled him onto Toru's chest, and Taka rested his head. Tears continued falling as he listened to Toru's heartbeat. The cooing in his ear put him to sleep. Maybe he'd feel less terrible in the morning._

* * *

Taka woke up first. Or maybe he never fell asleep, he couldn't be sure. The red letters on Toru's alarm clock indicated it was 8am. They didn't have to be anywhere until 1pm, so he cuddled back into Toru's arms. Resting his eyes as Toru sleeplessly pulled him closer, Taka tried to fall back asleep.

Images in his head played over and over. Him and Ryota, happy and cuddling together. Lazy mornings when they were able to sleep in and enjoy time together in bed. Thinking of how he was so scared to confess to Ryota. The days he spent desperately wanting to confess to Ryota, but being too afraid to mess everything up. Maybe if he hadn't been so afraid, he wouldn't be curled up in Toru's arms. Ryota wouldn't be married to someone else.

Trying to recall a previous conversation he had with Toru, he pondered on the thought if Ryota was his ex. The only part of their friendship that was over was the sex and cuddling. The thought of it alone made his heart break. Knowing that there would be no more nights full of cuddling, soft kisses and long conversations. But still, there would be no functional change to their day to day relationship.

Just as Taka was beginning to fall back asleep, he could feel Toru begin to wake next to him. Fingertips brushed against his shoulder, arousing him from his sleepy state. All hair on edge as Toru gently kissed him, rolling him onto his back for a bout of morning sex.

Taka wondered how much longer he could do this. Toru taking care of his every need, emotionally and physically. And all he would give in return was tears, thinking of Ryota as Toru pushed him to the edge. Each kiss and touch compared directly to Ryota. Trying to engross himself in Toru's scent, the taste of Toru in his mouth. All he could think about was Ryota. Wishing they were still together, spending time together off tour.

Feeling like he was about to finish, Taka looked up. Sleepily, he moaned out a name. "Ryota…."

Toru stared down at Taka. Of course he knew Taka was just using him, but knowing Taka was thinking of someone else was a gut punch. Wondering if Taka was always thinking of Ryota, he sped up. Unsure if Taka had even noticed his mistake, in a jealous rage he placed his hand on Taka's neck. He saw the other's eyes close, cum leaking everywhere, followed by a fit of tears. Toru finished quickly, removing his hand from Taka's neck and panicking over the smaller man. Carefully brushing hair away, pulling himself out of Taka and comforting the other man. "Are you ok?"

Taka nodded, tears fell down in globs as he realised the mistake he had made. Feeling guilty, he nodded his head.

"Did I hurt you?" Toru asked again, worried he had pushed Taka too far. Kissing his forehead, temple, trying his best to comfort him.

Taka shook his head, fed up with the soft treatment from Toru after what he did. All it did was compact his guilt rather than calm him down. "Stop… you didn't hurt me"

"Are you sure?" Toru questioned, continuing to wipe away tears from Taka's face.

"I like being choked" Taka admitted, staring nervously to the ceiling above him, right beyond Toru's shoulder. Too afraid of making eye contact, he bit his lip. "I just… miss…"

"It's ok" Toru assured Taka, sighing with relief he hadn't actually hurt Taka. Pulling Taka onto his chest again, holding him just as tightly as he did before. Stroking his hair gently. Staring at the ceiling, the jealousy overcoming him once again. Knowing that Taka was still in love with Ryota was one thing, but knowing that Taka was thinking of Ryota in bed stung like a thousand cuts. Trying to hold back his own tears, wondering why he felt this jealousy towards Ryota, he simply stroked Taka's hair. The other man had already fallen back asleep, but Toru just sat there. Staring at the ceiling. Wondering if Taka would ever be over Ryota.

* * *

Toru grabbed his keys out of the drawer and turned to face Taka who was taking forever to tie his shoes. "C'mon Taka, time to stop putting off going to see your ex"

Taka looked up at him, dead in the eye. "He's not my ex"

Toru rolled his eyes at Taka and leaned against the door while the vocalist continued taking his sweet time tying up his shoes. "It was a relationship now it's over, whatever you want to call that"

"How was it any different than our relationship?" Taka pondered out loud, giving up his task of tying his shoes. "Are we in a relationship?"

Toru looked down at Taka. Unable to speak for a few seconds while he forgot about the task of trying to get Taka out of the house. All this time he had spent trying to convince Taka that him and Ryota cared about each other, loved each other and had sex with each other made it a quasi-relationshup. He had never even thought about what it meant for them when they spent all day cuddling in bed. Having sex then continuing to just lay there, cuddling. A bit of crying on Taka's end still afterwards. "Did you love Ryota?"

"Yes" Taka answered.

"And did Ryota love you?" Toru continued his line of questioning.

"Yes"

"And do you love me?" Toru asked.

"No" Taka answered bluntly. When he looked in Toru's eyes, he thought he saw a tinge of hurt but ignored it. He didn't want to deal with the thought of Toru feeling something else, it just made him feel worse about using him.

"Then that's the difference" Toru answered quietly. Trying his best to hide the hurt, the jealousy still raging in his chest. Unsure what it all meant, he watched as Taka finally finished tying his shoes and stood up. Engulfing the vocalist in a hug, He knew today was going to be hard on the other one, and felt bad. Taka hadn't seen Ryota face to face since the end of their japanese tour. Kissing Taka's temple, he opened the door and led them both to the car.

* * *

Taka stared at the big white door in front of him. Unsure if behind the door would be Ryota or not, he hesitated to open it. A warm hand on his back, head resting on his own as he looked up. Toru was beside him, comforting him before opening the door himself.

When the door opened, Ryota was on the other side. Smiling and laughing with the drummer, showing something on his phone. The knot in his stomach reappeared, afraid to move. He was probably blocking the doorway for Toru, but he was too scared to care. Afraid to go see Ryota, pretend to be happy and normal in front of him. Unsure if he could manage to do it today.

Ryota looked up and saw Taka in the doorway. Toru was towering behind him, he sighed as he realised they probably came here together. Making quick yet awkward eye contact, he put down the ultrasound on his phone and put it into his pocket.

It was weird seeing Taka again, his hair had gotten longer. His eyes seemed older, like he hadn't been getting enough sleep. As Toru and Taka walked into the room, his eyes trailed on Taka's feet. Too afraid to make any more eye contact with him.

"Ryota was just showing me the ultrasound! Show them it's so cool!" Tomoya gushed as soon as Toru and Taka entered the room.

Taka looked up at Ryota. He didn't particularly want to see the ultrasound, but felt he had no choice to reject it with Tomoya in the room. Nodding slightly, he stood between Toru and Ryota, looking at the phone in Ryota's hand. On the screen, a black and white image with a small bean in the middle. Overwhelmed with emotions, actually seeing the pregnancy, Taka felt tears running down his face. He could feel Toru gently rubbing his back, but it was still too much for Taka to handle. Deep down inside, Taka wanted to be building a family with Ryota, not watching as Ryota built a family with someone else.

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?" Taka asked, trying his best to sound normal.

"No, we wanna be surprised" Ryota smiled.

Taka watched as Ryota looked so happy, talking about the plans and doctors appointments they had attended. He sounded so excited for the future, a stark contrast to his own feelings about the future. Looking up to Toru, Taka tried his best to signal to him to start rehearsal. Get his mind off of the baby, immerse himself in something else.

It started off subtle, Toru noticed that Taka was keeping exclusively to his side of the rehearsal space. Taka was giving it his all, but only from one side of the room. Each time Toru went over to go see Ryota, Taka would cower towards Tomoya, or just stay on Toru's side of the room.

Between songs, Taka would stand close to Toru. Even if it was a huddle with the four of them, Taka would always be there. Beside Toru's hip, standing right next to him. They were so close he could smell Taka's shampoo, Toru wondered if Tomoya was catching in how close Taka was to him.

Ryota noticed. Taka was afraid to be near him, clinging onto Toru. Sharing a microphone. Hanging off of his shoulders. He was seething with jealousy, all he wanted was Taka to be close to him again. To hang off of his own bass, put his face right near the strings. He loved the rush when Taka would do that, intimate images played in his head. A promise of what would come later that night. Just as he felt himself blush at the thought, he noticed Toru staring at him. Taka right next to him, fidgeting absentmindedly. It was as if Toru could see right through his soul, knew he was thinking of Taka sucking on his dick.

Toru glared at Ryota, noticing the way he was staring at Taka. Not that he was jealous of what they had, but he knew it was over. Ryota should no longer be staring at Taka throughout the entire rehearsal. They had a mirror in front of them to see the way they were being viewed, not to view other members of the band. Gently, Toru put his hand on Taka's back. Making sure Ryota could see it, just to let Ryota know that it was time he moved on.

"I'm hungry" Tomoya announced, the sound of his rumbling stomach roared through the room. "It's Toru's turn to buy food right?"

"No it's yours" Toru huffed.

"No, I think it's Toru's" Taka chimed in with a laugh.

"Yea, it's Toru-nii's. Tomoya bought last time" Ryota laughed.

"Fine, Tomoya. Lets go get food then" Toru groaned.

Taka stared at the door as Toru and Tomoya left the room. Regretting trying to force Toru to buy food for them, he suddenly realised he was alone. With Ryota. Sitting on the couch, Taka felt empty and alone. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Ryota sat down next to him. The air between them was awkward, Taka wasn't sure what to say. He didn't particularly want to hear about how married life was, and wasn't sure what else to talk about.

"How have you been?" Rytoa was the first to break the silence.

Taka looked up at him nervously with a shrug. He's been miserable ever since Ryota left him, but he couldn't really tell the other that. "Haven't done much, been watching movies with Toru"

"It's good that you have such a good friend close by..." Ryota remarked.

Taka stared at Ryota, a tinge of sadness evident in his voice. He sounded lonely, despite having recently moved in with his new wife. Taka debated putting an arm around Ryota. He had spent the entire past couple of months with Toru. Crying in his arms, sleeping with him, complaining about Ryota leaving him. Ryota didn't have a similar person. Wondering if Ryota missed him equally, he felt bad that Ryota had no one to talk about it.

Ryota stared longingly at Taka. Desperately wanting to take the other in his arms, cuddle with him, kiss him. Instead, he was forced to sit there and stare. Watch at Taka scrolled through his phone, liking the occasional instagram post. Each time he wanted to say something to Taka, about how sorry he was. He wished things could have worked out differently, he wished they could have worked out. How he still loved Taka, wanted him back, but each time guilt crept on him. As much as he wanted one final time with Taka, he knew it was wrong.

Taka breathed in deeply with each scroll of his phone. He hated the awkward air between them, how he could barely even think of anything to talk about. Normally, they'd probably be either talking, goofing around, or having sex. Now he felt like he couldn't even draw anything dumb on Ryota without it being awkward.

It felt different, and Taka hated it. It was as if the sex wasn't the only part of their relationship that had ended. Right now it felt more like he was sitting on a couch with his ex-boyfriend than with his best friend. And that's when it hit him that Toru was right, what he had with Ryota was over. They were both moving on, some of them slower than others, and Ryota was his ex. Just as tears were about to begin falling, the door opened and Toru was in front of him. Holding a box of fries in his face, a peace offering for leaving him alone with his ex.

Taka thanked his friend and got to work on eating the fries. Watching as all his friends were goofing around, forcing Tomoya to drink hot sauce straight from the packet. Usually he'd be joining in, holding down Tomoya with Ryota and Toru to dole out a punishment. Instead, he watched on the sidelines as Toru and Ryota were both laughing hysterically as Tomoya screeched.

Taka was zoned out, completely detached from reality. He hadn't even noticed when the torture stopped and they were all at their instruments again. Too busy staring at the bassist absentmindedly, images of how they used to be stuck playing in his head.

Just as Toru was ready to pick up rehearsal again, he noticed Taka hadn't followed them. Walking over with a sigh, he kicked Taka's shin, dragging him back to reality. Helping the other up, he seemed completely deflated. At least before he was trying his best to be normal, now he seemed to lack the energy he once had for their music.

Ryota watched as Taka struggled to sing. Missing notes, a few voice cracks here and there. He could feel Toru stare at him, judging him as if this was all his fault. And Ryota knew that deep down, most of this probably was his fault. Just as he felt a buzzing in his pocket, Taka gave up. Sitting down on the floor, back against the mirror. Holding his throat with his hands, groaning loudly. He looked so small and vulnerable, just sitting there and staring. Wanting to take the other into his arms, but decided against it.

"You guys practice instrumentals" Taka groaned quietly as Toru sat next to him.

"We did that yesterday" Toru admitted.

"I can't sing" Taka acknowledged, staring at the ground miserably.

"I have to go, the wife is desperate for pickles…." Ryota mumbled, looking down at his phone.

Taka stared at Ryota, resting his head on Toru's shoulder. Unsure if he was feeling jealous at the mere mention of Ryota's wife, or grateful that someone else had to bail early. Saying goodbye to Ryota as he sat there on the ground, followed by Tomoya also bidding them adieu, he felt guilty. Toru was being too nice to him, especially after he fucked up multiple times today.

"You ready to go?" Toru asked, putting his hand on Taka's knee. He saw Taka nodding in the corner of his eye, and stood up. Offering a hand to Taka, he pulled up the tired vocalist and put an arm around his shoulders. Taka limped beside him, too exhausted to move. Once they were both in the car, he could hear Taka begin to cry.

"I'm sorry" Taka mumbled out between sobs.

"It's ok Taka, rest your voice" Toru answered.

Taka nodded, continuing crying as he stared out the window. Feeling the car start moving, tears fell even harder as he realised he ended their rehearsal due to his personal life. Watching as the streets of Tokyo whizzed by, life going on as normal for everyone else. And here he was, still stuck in place. Not moving on from Ryota, simply existing and watching as Ryota moved on from him. "I'm so sorry…"

"What happened with Ryota?" Toru asked calmly at a stop light. Looking over at Taka, Taka simply stared ahead, apparently not in the mood to talk. Only in the mood to apologise a million times. With a sigh, Toru started the car again as soon as the light turned green.

Taka continued crying, not sure what kind of answer Toru was looking for. Nothing had happened with Ryota, other than Ryota moving on and Taka standing still. As if the past 9 years meant nothing to him and they could easily be replaced by someone else. Taka had tried simply replacing Ryota with someone else, only to find it failing miserably.

Toru pulled into the parking garage for their building. Taka still hadn't answered his question as he pulled into his personal parking space. Hands still on the wheels as they both sat there in complete silence. "Did something happen with Ryota when I got food with Tomoya?"

Taka stared straight ahead. The realisation that Ryota felt like an ex fresh in his mind. Not replying to Toru, he simply undid his belt as he heard Toru sigh.

"Stop bottling things up, it's not good for you"

Taka watched as Toru took the keys out of the ignition and removed his seat belt. Following suit, Taka quietly followed behind Toru as they went up to his suite. The elevator ride was silent as Toru stared at the numbers increasing on the LED screen. Staring at his own feet, Taka thought about what Toru said. He hadn't felt like he was bottling things up, feeling like he had been pretty open with Toru about missing Ryota. By the time the LED flashed floor 32, Taka followed Toru to the apartment, passing by his own. A painful reminder that he was unable to be alone.

As soon as Toru shut the door behind him, he heard Taka burst out crying. Rushing to hold the smaller man in his arms, as they both stood in the entryway.

"He felt like an ex" Taka cried out between sobs, right into Toru's shoulder.

Toru stroked Taka's hair, holding him and cooing him in his arms. Letting Taka cry it out as he opened up about what happened. How lonely he felt when Toru left him, the awkwardness between them. How he felt everything had changed between Ryota and him. Toru bit on his lip, the jealousy rearing its ugly head again each time Taka said his name. Kissing Taka's head, he just stood there and cradled him in his arms. Happy that finally, Taka was opening up to him properly and not just crying without explanation.

* * *

Taka laid in bed with Toru, enjoying the morning together. Cuddling softly against Toru's chest, playing with the other's fingers in his hands. The sun shined through the window, illuminating his friend's face. Laughing together as they enjoyed the moment, a daily habit after being on tour together.

It was a picture perfect moment, only to be interrupted by the sound of Taka's phone ringing loudly. Toru groaned, pulling the pillow over his face as Taka looked at the screen, then threw the phone.

"It's Ryota, what do I do?" Taka asked in a panicked tone. Ryota hadn't called him once during the mini break, only ever called Toru or reached out through the band group chat.

"Answer it, it's loud" Toru groaned from beneath the pillow. "Fucking answer it or i'll do it for you"

Taka handed the phone to Toru, who just stared at the loud device dumbly before finally answering.

"Hi" Toru said plainly, glaring at Taka as if answering the phone had personally offended him. "No, you called the right number. _Mori-chan's_ just in the other room right now, one second"

Taka looked nervously as Toru held the phone out for him. Knowing his ex was on the other end, waiting for an answer from him. Unsure what Ryota could possibly have to say to him he watched as Toru rolled his eyes, continuing his conversation with Ryota.

"Yea. I'm here as well, don't say anything dumb" Toru sighed, listening to Ryota claim that he still loves Taka. "My god stop saying that. That's classified as a dumb thing to say. Here's Taka"

"Hi" Taka answered, staring at Toru the entire time as Ryota talked. The man on the other end sounded exhausted, like he had been up all night. Then he heard a noise in the background and felt like his whole world stopped. A baby crying.

Toru watched with intrigue as Taka stared blankly, tears beginning to fall down his face. He made a nodding motion, even though Ryota couldn't see him, before agreeing to go over. When Taka hung up the phone with a tap, staring blankly at the other still lying in bed. Tears were running down his face and Toru panicked, going to brush them away and held Taka. His body was stiff in his arms, and Toru kissed his bare shoulder.

"They had a boy" was all Taka managed to say as Toru hugged him tightly. "I'm going to go over and see them…"

"Are you gonna be ok?" Toru asked cautiously, only slightly hurt that Ryota told Taka before himself.

Taka nodded in Toru's arms, still in shock at the news. Of course he knew the baby would come eventually, but knowing that he was Ryota's first call felt strange. Ryota and Toru had been best friends since childhood, Toru should have been the first call. Not Taka.

"Get yourself together, and go see the baby" Toru suggested, kissing Taka's forehead as he watched Taka nod and go get ready. Following closely behind, it occurred to him he'd be driving Taka to meet his best friend's baby before his so-called best friend even called him.

The drive was completely silent. Taka stared out the window, not even wanting to listen to the radio. Alone in his thoughts, Toru drove to Ryota's house without even thinking about it. He had driven here millions of times, but never to bring Taka to see his ex. The whole thing felt different though, like he was driving his boyfriend to go have an affair with someone else.

Pausing as he arrived in the driveway, Toru realised he had just mentally referred to Taka as a boyfriend. Looking over to his passenger side, he watched as Taka texted Ryota, letting him know he was here. Just like a mistress, not wanting to wake up his lover's wife. As soon as Taka got out of the car, Toru groaned and put his head against the wheel. He really did have it bad for Taka.

Putting on the radio, a desperate attempt to drown out his thoughts, Toru got lost in the music. Images of him and Taka playing through his head. But he knew things couldn't work, Taka was still in love with Ryota. Even if things were over between Taka and Ryota.

Before he knew it, Taka was sitting beside him in the car. His skin was pale, like he had seen a ghost. Unsure if he should just address what happened or just start the car and drive, Toru hesitated as he held his hand on the gear shift. Slowly putting it into reverse, exiting the driveway.

As soon as they arrived home, Taka went straight for Toru's liquor cupboard. Grabbing a bottle of sake, opening the bottle, unbothered to pour it into the cups in Toru's hands. "I still love Ryota"

"Ryota still loves you too" Toru admitted, breathing in deeply.

"I know" Taka answered, breaking down in Toru's arms.

  
  
  



End file.
